Part 3: When the Shepherd and the Sheep Love each Other – Pastor and Congregant Agree to have an Affair

 

One of the most ridiculous and sad story is of a minister who had an affair with his parishioner. Since both of them claimed to be serious Christians, they would meet in secret place for their sexual escapade. Once done, they would both repent of adultery and then schedule the next session. This would repeated once they met again. 

Consensual affairs between ministers and their congregants are not uncommon. The media of course picks on such allegations with fervor and determination. When they get wind of catching a live action, they will lay all the traps and splash the story on their channels the following day. In many cases, such stories are discussed on FM stations and the gutter press adds extra angles to make it juicier.

The affairs are respecter of persons, size of the church, or geographical location. Ministers from all over have been caught up in moral failure. Whereas both male and female ministers are vulnerable to sexual affairs, most of what is reported and exposed involves the former. Either the female clergy are stronger in dealing with sexual temptations, have better accountability systems, or are not easily caught.

Opportunities for pastors abound—opportunities which offer remarkable potential for pastors and other Christian leaders, especially when their emotional and/or physical needs are not met at home. Such opportunities flourish and are seized with striking regularity. A 1988 survey in Leadership magazine reported

• Nearly one in four pastors admitted doing something “sexually inappropriate” with someone who was not their spouse;

• One in five pastors confessed to sexual misconduct of some kind;

• One in eight admitting adultery; and

• Only 4 in 100 were found out by their local church.

Source: http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/294_affair_proof_pastorate.html

Affairs do not start off in the blue and rarely are they with strangers. Strangers might pass for one night stand but sustained affairs are usually with people well-known to each other, to each other’s family, to fellow ministers, and to the congregation. It might be with someone that no one could ever suspect that she could have a thing with the minister.

Chapter Three of Lana Staheli’s Affair-Proof” Your Marriage gives reasons why men and women fall into affairs.

Men’s Top Seven Reasons For Having An Affair

• To enjoy sex with more than one partner;

• To enjoy a greater quantity of sex;

• They act on an opportunity believing they won’t get caught;

• The thrill of the chase and the catch;

• Men enjoy flirting and seducing;

• The wife is “unavailable” (e.g. out-of-town, pregnant, sick, prolonged abstinence, etc.);

• He has difficulty “performing” with his wife but not with other partners.

Women’s Top Seven Reasons for Having an Affair

• Improve self-esteem by savoring the attention and compliments on her abilities and body;

• Seeks a new and varied experience by which she can experiment and explore with someone other than her husband;

• Desire for emotional intimacy and closeness;

• Loneliness—she needs someone to talk to that will listen to her;

• Deeper understanding of self by sharing her feelings with someone who really cares for her;

• To feel young and sexy; and

• Fear of aging and loss of attractiveness.

Staheli adds that “Though men and women may have affairs simply to have “fun,” the vast majority of women—as many as 60 percent…have affairs to improve their self-esteem. The attention and compliments of her abilities and her body improve her self-esteem. Combined with loneliness and/or a desire for emotional connection, perhaps it is not surprising that, on the average [many give sex for love].”

Source: http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/294_affair_proof_pastorate.html

The minister’s goose is cooked if he seduces a woman who has a reason to start off something on the side. Most common affairs take a visible pattern. Though on hindsight the pattern can be traced, those caught in its web never realize the path they are trending on.

It may start with some jokes and sexual humor and later graduate into touching and flirting. Sexual tension starts to build and the parties yearn for a time alone. This might be after office hours or hotels. As the affair blossoms, it buds petting and fondling demonstrated by goodbye kisses, sensual hugs, sexual messages, and gifts. The next step can involve a meeting away from home or church vicinity. If the lady involved is single (unmarried, married but husband is away, widowed, or divorced), the man may plan a pastoral visit. Such meetings culminate in asexual encounter that can last for as long as they want or discovered.

Generally the steps could be:

• Love each other’s company
• Banter and jokes
• Confide in each other
• Flirting
• Sexual tension – This is when two people want have sex but can’t, for a variety of reasons – married; already in a long-term relationship; it would look improper to date a co-worker; know that it is wrong; or simply, they’re both too shy.
• Emotional affair – “An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail—they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.” (Today’s Christian Woman)
• Sexual affair – starts gradually but if sustained, the frequencies increase.
• Vicious cycle – sex-guilt-self condemnation fear of being discovered-repentance-sex

The pastor due to the office he holds and the Lord he serves has an unlimited access lady parishioners. Homes are easily opened for him and calls swiftly answered. Nobody imagines that a minister will take advantage of such women. It is no necessary that the two will hit the road with a clear goal of an affair. What might start as an innocent interaction gradually gets a life of its own.

In an article How to Have an Affair (and Ruin Everything), Kurt Bubna says:

• First, ignore all reasonable and wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Go out for coffee or better yet for lunch or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex under the guise of a “working meal.” Spend as much time as you can with this new “friend.”

• Second, flirt because it’s fun. It’s best to use lots of flattery as well, and on a regular basis be sure to throw in a well-placed sexual innuendo or joke. With the advent of social media, this is easier than ever to do.

• If you’re a woman, show as much skin as you can get away with without appearing to be a loose woman. The low-cut top and the very short skirt work well. Oh, and don’t forget to bend over as much as possible to give the guys a good look at your . . . well, you know.

• Guys, make sure you compliment the gal on a regular basis regarding how good she looks, smells, or smiles. Women like to be noticed and crave personal attention (especially if she’s not getting enough kudos from her husband; he’s probably a jerk).

• When the accidental physical contact happens or you have the chance for a lingering and full-body hug, take advantage of it, and make sure it’s mutual. Get those pheromones flowing!

• Next, as often as possible, share your deepest fears, thoughts, or feelings with the opposite sex. He or she will probably understand you better than your spouse. It is imperative that you create an emotional bond. Counseling women alone is a great idea. Most women won’t let any guy into her pants until he’s entered into her heart.

• Don’t forget to let your mind go crazy. Fantasize a lot. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone else . . . someone who is fun, exciting, and a little wild. Play with sexual thoughts as much as possible. Our bodies have a way of doing what we allow our minds to be saturated with. And for heaven’s sake, don’t tell anybody! Bringing something like this to the light will make you horribly uncomfortable. You don’t need anyone’s advice; they’ll just try to change your mind or hold you accountable. That’s stupid, right?

• Last of all, and this is critical, complain about your spouse to your new friend and compare his or her amazing strengths and qualities to your spouse’s weaknesses as much as possible. That being said, be careful about seeming to be too negative or whining (nobody likes a killjoy).

• By the way, when you’re finally ready to practice the wild onion together, rationalize it as true love. You can even spiritualize the experience by telling your new lover how you married the wrong person and how God has now given you the man or woman of your dreams. Pull the God-card to shut up your critics.

Source: http://pastors.com/how-to-have-an-affair-and-ruin-everything/

Women who are most vulnerable but might to be willing to the affair are:

• Grieving women – These one look for a shoulder to cry on and comfort from the man of God. The minister takes advantage of her distress and at her most vulnerable point she might easily yield. Since sex in away brings comfort and validation, she offers her body in exchange of affirmation. If widowed, the minister appoints himself as the “filler of gap” and “wearer of the shoes” that the deceased left.
• Childless women – A married woman who is unable to conceive faces spiritual, psychological, and social challenges and stigma. In such matters, she might turn to the minister for counsel and prayers. If care is not taken, such sessions might lead to the woman expressing some intimate details of her marriage. If wisdom lacks, the discussion can sexually arouse the minister. Within no time, he might offer himself as answer to her problems as long as she never reveals how she conceived.
• Domestic violence victims – The minister offers himself as a safe refuge to victims of domestic violence. When they come asking for comfort, he entices them to believe that part of their healing will come from a sexual encounter.
• Emotionally distressed women – People face all kinds of challenges in this life. If not seeking the minister for prayers, it is word of encouragement or a home visit. The minster comes out as an emotional clutch that the woman can lean on. An emotionally distressed woman is an easy prey for a randy minister.
• Divorced women – Divorced women struggle with many issues like low self-esteem, emotional pain, and loneliness. They have already faced rejection and in many cases have been dragged through the mud. All they need is love and acceptance and sometimes never realize the sexual trap that has been laid until they are in.
• Sexually unsatisfied married women – Not every married woman is sexually satisfied. Some are in marriages where there is no love and affection, husband cannot much their libido or emotionally unavailable and forced sex is the norm. In other homes, the husbands are drunkards or are medically indisposed to perform satisfying sexual encounters. Undoubtedly, intimate details get spilled out when the woman meets the pastor for counseling. The minister if not careful can easily arise to meet her need.
• Senior singles – The society places a lot of pressure on unmarried singles. Though all single ladies are at a risk, the most vulnerable are the senior singles. These could be women that according to the society’s standards have passed a certain age. Most of them could be financially stable and great supporters of the ministry; a characteristic that easily draws attention. Other may consider sleeping with the minister an extra mile in making him happy. To those yearning to have children of their own, they may opt to conceive with the man of God.
• Deserted women – There are husbands who are never home—too busy at work, evening classes, business trips, and working overseas. They make sure their wives have everything other than physical presence. The wives desire physical touch and someone her kids can play with. The minister starts visiting her and she gets mesmerized by how he connects with her children. The minister’s spouse develops a close friendship and feels pity on her. Soon, the pastor passes by her house frequently. It is not long before singly or together, they set a meeting when she will be alone in her house. That could as well be the start of an affair.
• Liberal women – In these days, there are women who are too liberal. They don’t consider sexual immorality as sin but just another way of pursuing happiness. They prefer no-strings attached sex as a way to celebrate women liberation. They don’t care what others will say but will seduce the minister and later dump him if they get a better catch. To them the minister is merely a-friend-with benefits.
• Women looking for father figures – In this day and time, there are many girls who have grown up with their fathers. The only father they know is you. You dedicated them, baptized them, attended and their graduation. When they had teenage issues, they came looking for you. To them, you are dad. Such a lady might seek a father-daughter relationship with the minister. Such a relationship gives the girl freedom to believe that she is safe with the man. An amorous minister might as well manipulate her and introduce sex into the equation. The lady gets all the man-attention she needs for exchange of sex with the minister.
• Pull of power – The pastoral office is endowed with both real and perceived power. The minister is a public figure who is admired by many. He boldly speaks his mind and no one dares raise a finger. He can both bless and curse. He is a spiritual authority and talks with God. Such traits can easily draw women to the minister. If his guards are down, he can easily be seduced and find himself dispensing sexual power instead.
• Sexually immoral women – There are those ladies who are just immoral. They don’t care of the minister’s office or marital status. They will seduce the minister and expose their body parts with a view of enticing them. They ensure that encounters with the minister leaves him with clear images of their cleavages, midriff, and thighs. These are dangerous women and will not stop until the minister gives in. Once he is trapped, he blackmailed and threatened with exposure if he fails to meet their needs. They ensure that they engage him in wild sex and soon he is the one following them.

Another group that can fall prey and start off an affair with the ministers is:

• Female staff especially personal assistants and secretaries – Ministers spend ample time with their staff members. Hours spent together means they can naturally grow fond of each other. Such relationships are trusted by many and nobody can suspect that an affair is brewing. Trips are organized the minister and the staff have to attend. Sometimes, the pastor has to work late and the PA or secretary must wait until he is done. Such opportunities if not well-handled can blossom into affairs. The minister and the staff can:
  • Hire PAs or secretaries of same gender as the minister
  • Avoid clothes that expose too much body especially cleavage and thighs
  • If working late, release the staff to go home early
  • If on a trip, avoid neighboring hotel rooms and visiting each other in the room
  • Befriend each other’s family especially the spouses
  • Establish clear and safe boundaries
  • Give room for expression of discomfort or concern
• High value volunteers like worship leaders – Every minister loves high value volunteers. They are blessing to the church and make the ministry easy and fulfilling. They are self-led and easily catch the dream and the heart of the pastor. Unfortunately, there have been cases where such volunteers have ended up in bed with the pastor. If boundaries are not established, the minister and the volunteer grow too fond of each other; lines are blurred and moral failure checks in.

Myths of affairs

Sexually unsatisfied minister – A husband does not need to be sexually unsatisfied in his marriage for him to have an affair. A man can jump from the best sex experience with his wife into another escapade with another woman.

Wife too busy – If wife is too busy or constantly has “headaches” speak with her. Listen to her and understand her. Learn from her how best you can enjoy sexual intimacy.

Work of the devil – The devil is bad but won’t make you do what you are not willing to do. You must take control of your life by the power of the Holy Spirit.

She started it all – This is never a mature response. Power to give in into a temptation remains with you. You must do something when you notice what she is trying.

My weakness is women – Your weakness is not women but lust. Take care of your desires and you will be surprised how safe women are.

Church not doing well – This is not a good reason either. If church not doing well, seek God not sex.

Blame the media – Of course there is too much sex in the media. Wherever you turn, you will find some form of sexual connotation. However, you must develop a system to cut off the garbage from your life.

Thomas S. Rainer gives the “Seven Warning Signs of Affairs for Pastors and Other Church Staff.” They are:

• “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
• “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
• “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
• “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
• “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
• “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
• “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).

Source: http://thomrainer.com/2014/01/seven-warning-signs-of-affairs-for-pastors-and-other-church-staff/

The minister should watch his attitude. Most that fall into affairs have some tendencies which they uphold and practice:

• I am too good to fall into sexual sin. This is fat lie. Each one is vulnerable.
• I am super spiritual to give in. Another lie. Affairs care less how spiritual you are. Give them a chance and they will thrive.
• I am entitled to some fun too. True but if that means affairs, you are lost.
• I don’t need to be accountable to anyone. Wrong. Best antidote of affairs is to be accountable to others.
• I can be with a woman anywhere anytime. True and not true. Don’t push the boundaries.
• I know myself. Good. Use that knowledge to grow deeper in God and steer you away from affairs.
• I know the ladies of my church. Great. Treat them as God’s children and not sex toys.

Scriptures to Ponder

• Pray that won’t fall into temptations – Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41).
• Build intimacy with God – Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind (Luke 10:27).
• Build sexual intimacy with your wife – A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other’s needs (1 Corinthians 7:3).
• Be faithful – Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral (Hebrews 13:4).
• Don’t lust after other women – lusting after your neighbor’s house – or wife or servant or maid or ox or donkey. Don’t set your heart on anything that is your neighbor’s (Exodus 20:17).
• Flee from sexual temptation – Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).
• Examine your heart – Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23, 24).
• Live a self-controlled life – It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
• Treat women as God’s children – Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters (1 Timothy 5:2).
• Saturate your mind with God’s Word – Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God (Colossians 3:16).
• Recognize the attacks of Satan on your mind – We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
• Be a sensible person – But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself (Proverbs 6:32).

The minister should ask himself sobering questions:

• What will it cost me to have this affair?
• What will happen to my relationship with God, family, and church?
• Does my call to ministry include sexual misconduct?
• Does God approve of an affair?
• What if I contract an STI or HIV?
• If the lady conceives what will I do?
• When I am discovered, what is likely to happen?
• What pain and suffering will I bring upon her?
• Would I want my own wife, daughter, mother or sister treated that way?
• Is it worth it?

Every man knows the kind of a woman that causes blood to rush in his veins. He does well to avoid such women. He should be careful as well on some environments that might create awkward situations for him. These could:

• Visiting the ladies in their homes – if the lady is married visit when the husband is home and if not so, have another person accompany you. For single ladies, just cut off the visits.
• Taking long flights/trips together – have another person accompany you. Alternatively, the lady can proceed and you follow later.
• Foreign trips – watch out for temptations from accompanying ladies or hosting ones
• Office – avoid meeting ladies in totally opaque rooms or after office hours
• Own home – watch for visits that are timed when your spouse is away. Learn to say no especially when your wife is not in.

What Can Be Done?

John H. Armstrong, director of Reformation and Revival Ministries, Inc., suggests eight steps in his book, Can Fallen Pastors Be Restored? (Moody Press, Chicago, Ill., 1995). The following is a partial adaptation of his suggested steps and commentary.

Sexual Temptation is Real. Sexual feelings are common to every man and woman. Pastors must anticipate and prevent sexual temptations. Recognize it is also possible to be involved in a sexual relationship without touching or entering into an obviously illicit relationship…

Understand The Power of the Seduction. The person – man or woman – who acts provocatively must be resisted without hesitation. Be careful of the flirtatious look; be alert to excessive praise, and be on guard for those who want repeated counseling…

Guard Your Mind. Pastors need to aggressively resist sexual fantasies in order to remain pure. A recent Leadership survey found that 39% of responding pastors regarded sexual fantasies as harmless. Such fantasies may be one of the principal doorways to overt sexual sin. Stay away from explicitly erotic material, as well as television programs, and images that fuel the fires of lust…

Make Sure Your Marriage is Healthy. Without a doubt, being in love with your mate provides the best defense against a sexual affair. If your marriage is not satisfying, find those opportunities and qualities that provide an atmosphere of hope. According to Staheli, healthy marriages have common themes: the couple is focused on each other exclusively for the time; they listen, share and accept one other (Staheli, p. 41).

Take Precautions. Be extremely careful where, when, and how you see members of the opposite sex in your ministry routines. Avoid any long-term counseling. Consider counseling in your home with your spouse nearby. Be careful in dealing with young adults. Discretion is needed for each situation, as well as in dealings with other staff members – particularly crucial in light of the high incidence of pastoral adultery with a member of the church staff. If difficult situations arise in the normal routines of ministry, immediately inform your spouse and one or two fellow leaders in the church.

Maintain Relationships Where Accountability Is Real. Every pastor needs several relationships where he/she is mutually accountable for actions and relationships with others. Talk to someone openly.

Be Careful Traveling. While traveling, stay away from hotel cable movies and bring with you healthy reading material. In counseling, realize how easily emotional bonding can occur. The jump from a warm relationship to one with sexual overtones can be subtle.

Cultivate Your Spiritual, Emotional, And Physical Well-Being. Pastors are so busy preparing, teaching, and preaching that they may neglect to care for their own souls. Expand and develop your prayer life, the reading of the Word, and personal devotions.

Source: http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/294_affair_proof_pastorate.html

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